Pregnant Women 101

In behalf of all men with a pregnant wife, and men with a prospective pregnant wife, I offer a few warnings or simple observations for you as you enter into this new stage of your marriage.

Top Six Things You Need to Know

6. Don't tell your wife that she is getting bigger--even if she really is getting bigger. For some reason she will take offense. I tried to use the word "thicker" with Kira. That didn't work either.

5. So remember how your wife is always cold and wants you to turn the heat up, and uses a blanket every time she is on the couch, and forces you to use a bigger comforter than you want on your bed. Well, now it's the complete opposite. She might just cause your teeth to chatter. Since being pregnant, Kira has decided that she needs the 40 degree air coming directly onto our bed from the window, and to top it off, we need a fan on our faces as well. Then she wakes up and says it's cold. Some things can't be explained.

4. Please keep in mind that all five human senses are enhanced ten-fold. This means she will not get near you unless you have gum in your mouth. I tried to kiss Kira once without gum in my mouth. I think my attempt ended with her dry heaving, and asking me to get away.

3. Hormones. They change often. Smile. Growl. Smile. Growl.

2. Be Peepared. That's intentionally spelled wrong. It comes often. Don't go on long road trips.

1. With reference to number 4, her sense of smell enhances more than her ability to smell your breath. Don't even try to burp, or anything worse than that. She will smell it from three rooms away. As David Nibley once said, we should be putting pregnant women at the Mexican border sniffing for drugs. One day we were driving down state street and Kira was getting sick--not from driving--but of the smell coming from the fast-food restaurants we were passing. Yes, the windows were closed, and no, I couldn't smell a thing.

Okay, so I must explain myself since mostly just girls read this thing anyway. I didn't call Kira thick. We were both trying to think of a word to explain the bigger belly. I mentioned "thick", and we both laughed about it. She knew I was joking.

In all fairness, as well, Kira hasn't been cranky either. I am amazed at what women go through. I will make sure our child knows that momma was throwing up, always too hot, always nauseous, and constantly in pain. I can safely say I completely respect what they endure during those 9 months. It's not an easy task, and all mothers should be commended for it. ... although, I keep telling Kira ... I don't feel sick. I don't see the problem. It's just a baby.

-Reuben Cook is from Provo, Utah, and is a semi-annual contributor to this blog.